MTV: Please accept!

He doesn't know why I did it either...
- R. Nelly

I’ve always been a creative guy. You know, you’re so creative you hate anything and EVERYTHING conventional?

I mean, my creativity is what drew me toward a summer internship with MTV. When I saw the MTV Network Job Hunt site, my creativity started to go out of control.

I threw on a tie with my old, brown Timberland hoody and starting saying, “Yes, it’s very nice to meet you…MTV is much bigger than I thought it would be.” Sure talking to myself sort of freaked out my 14-year-old sister, so I stopped. But wearing a hoody and tie was a once in a lifetime event!

I wanted it that THAT bad.

But with many other past experiences in which I’d become overwrought with emotion and creativity, I usually wake up the next day wondering why the hell I ever acted on my ephemeral impulses. For instance, I’m STILL kicking myself for offering Vince Carter for injured Amare Stoudemire in my fantasy basketball league. That was dumb.

So I thought it best to get a good night’s sleep and type a cover letter the next morning when I’d be in a bit more coherent state. “I’m really not a crazy guy,” I told myself. “You go to an accredited four-year university and you’re attempting a major in broadcast journalism and speech communications...and an English minor!

“Tomorrow, you’ll have a fresh head, and you’ll write a much nicer letter.” There I went again, talking to myself.

Finally, I managed to fall asleep…until my alarm went off at 6:30 Sunday morning. I was pumped! I was stoked!

I was damn tired.

So I sat down and started typing my cover letter anyway: “Yhid vobrt lryyrt id bring etiyyrn in my dlrrp.”

Move the left hand two centimeters to the left on the keyboard, you’d get the rough translation: “This cover letter is being written in my sleep.”

I woke up a hour later, doused my head in cold, very very cold Illinois water and decided to just tell it like it is, forsaking creativity and half-conscious passive voice sentences.

But I couldn’t, and I never will.

Ryno's 10

Question #6: Is a change of scenery necessary for a player to win the Most Improved Player award?
- R. Nelly

1. How do language barriers (between players/players, players/coaches, etc.) affect a player’s consistency and overall statistics?

2. How important are motivations (contracts, quarrels with management, women?, family, general anger) to a player’s performance?

3. Especially with the upcoming age minimum, will a player’s breed (quality of college program) correlate to more winning in the NBA?

4. Do physically stronger players make better players, and consequently better fantasy players?

5. Does technique have anything to do with statistical output?

6. Is a change of scenery necessary for a player to win the Most Improved Player award?

7. When’s the time to deal a declining superstar a la Steve Francis and Chris Weber?

8. Can verbal motivations (trash talks, tants, etc.) be considered a positive factor once the match is over? I.e. If/when Artest plays the Pacers on a different team, can you expect elevated play the next game?

9. How does record correlate to fantasy output? Are the players on the Hawks getting less fantasy points per minute because they’re all the same player and they’re the only hope for the team (hence they MUST play)?

10. To what extent does “dead wood” (Eric Snow, Royal Ivey, etc.) in the lineup hurt overall statistics of the best players?

Tues., Jan. 10 Nelsonisms!

You know Donny's not going to block that. Please.
- R. Nelly

Magic at Clippers

Mobley

• What did Coach Dunleavy tell you guys after that poor first quarter?
• What’s the injury status of Elton Brand?
• What’s Dong’s (6 points, 3 boards, 2 swats) staying power?
• What defensive strategies did you employ that effectively shut down the Magic’s game?
• Tell me about this Chris Wilcox character, does he claim to play defense vs. can he really play defense?

Fantasy considerations: How do you separate a player’s talk/what they say from what they’re really capable of doing? What’s Mobley’s fantasy value vs. his value to the Clippers? Is Dong a foreign shot-swatter a la Mutombo? James Singleton – we need to know about his consistency in playing time, very efficient player.

Francis

• What was the weakness in you team’s play that the Clippers really hit on?
• Obviously not his best performance tonight, but what can you say about Shaun Livingston and how good he can become as the starting point guard of the future for the Clips?
• What defensive strategies did the Clips employ to really shut down your game and Dwight’s game?
• You must really miss Grant Hill. Do you get the feeling this injury could mean the season for him, given his history of long-term injury?
• Tony Battie seemed to have the best statistical game here today, as he often has good statistical games when in a starting role. What is it about Tony Battie that makes him an NBA nomad?

Fantasy considerations: Trade Francis now or later? Does this game hurt Nelson’s consistency (42 mins, 5 TOs) or can it be attributed to the entire team’s poor play? Who survived the best in a poor game?

Boston at Atlanta

Pierce

• The Hawks are a young team with a hella players who have similar games to yours. Who’s the best of the young Hawks?
• What pulled you guys over the top for a comeback win in that fourth quarter?
• Who can the team count on past Ricky Davis and sometimes D. West?
• Are the Celtics weak in their D, especially interior D? Zaza had a good game against you.
• Any players on the Cs that doesn’t get his due playing time?

Fantasy considerations: Prototypical NBA game. Very important for fantasy considerations…Does Tony Allen have it in him to be a consistent contributor at this point? Is Al Jefferson still better off the bench at this point than as a starter? So Kendrick Perkins is demoted to the bench for a long time…How close is mark Blount to getting in the starting lineup

Joe Johnson

• How huge is the bench for this team?
• What caused the breakdown in that fourth quarter?
• Did Boston change up its defense in the fourth?
• Why couldn’t the Hawks find a stopper for Pierce?…You have about four options in your starting lineup alone who could D him.
• What’s the goals of a team with only nine wins at this point of the year? Would you say players are actually encouraged to play at their best?

Fantasy considerations: When a team’s losing like this, are players really worth owning? How does record correlate to fantasy output? Are the players on the Hawks getting less fantasy points per minute because they’re all the same player and they’re the only hope for the team (hence they MUST play)? What does Marvin Williams need to do in order to live up to his second overall selection?

Knicks at Cavs

Marbury

• How big is this win for the Knicks?
• Does a big roster work best for the Knicks?
• Did you guys run anything different in the offense today?
• How do you overcome LeBron James and pull out a win? Is there stopping LeBron James, period?!
• Have you been deferring to more to other players like Jamal this year?

Fantasy considerations: When do players like Lee and Davis get consistent minutes? When will Channing Frye start over Lee and/or Davis? How’s Eddy Curry’s health?

James

• What happened in the fourth? Did the Knicks change things up on D?
• Is Ziggy not playing up to par?
• What’s gotten into Drew Gooden over this recent stretch? Could the team use him more as an offensive threat?
• A lot of players in the starting lineup really where off today. Is the team lacking the necessary consistency?
• You ever thought of playing some point? Why start two point guards when you can lead the team in assists?

Fantasy considerations: To what extent does “dead wood” in the lineup hurt overall statistics of the best players? What makes Marshall a deceiving fantasy option?…he really is okay player. Could this be Ziggy getting tired? What’s going to save Gooden from the Nocioni Effect (some good games, but falls back to his normalcy sooner or later)?

McGrady's back

Although this picture is from the SECOND time Mac hurt his back this season, the rest of this was written about the FIRST time. Hope that makes sense.
- R. Nelly

All he can think of now is a massage for his aching back.

Little does he care about the game that pays him $15,694,250 regardless of how much he sits out. He thinks about the dress code. How he’s going to need to call up his guy P. Diddy go get some more slick designer suits for those three seconds he’s going to be on TV over the next three weeks.

“It ain’t ‘bought race,” he thinks. “The League is always going to make it seem that way.”

“No.” Mac brings his hands together twice. Quick. And then twice a bit slower. His black hands come together and come apart. He cringes.

His lower back is rippling like some white, salt water ocean waives. His muscles are seizuring – something he’s missed games for in the past. It seems like those team doctors have done it all to try and stop.

He’s become a ball. Not a baller. He’s in the corner of his multi-million dollar Texas home and it feels like there’s 52 little demons running around under the skin. Who’s to say three weeks! These guys are. Going. To. Be Here.

For the rest of his life.

“What happened to the good days? Back in our small town.” When people didn’t know his name, when his back wasn’t infected with a pain unknown to most men over the course of human history.

The room is dark. Allowing him to hide this Quasimodo side from the winged, firebird leader the rest of the world sees several times a day. He shakes without control in small, gyrating, random motions. This is what keeps him humble to the swarming reporters, the sick legions of whores and overzealous fan-worshipers. Losing control makes him human.

In this quiet room. Just the pain. The frustration. The inevitability of these buggers in his back. Inevitable and constant fear. His face starts to break out in a cold sweat. His back is a frying pan. T-Mac winces; his eyes closed. And he isn’t opening them until the trolls in his back are done with the torture.

If they’re done.

The room is quiet. The future of Houston basketball kneels subordinate to the only impossible thing in his life.

Himself.

“Good luck with Miami, San Antonio, Detroit, Phoenix.”

“I’m benched.”

Today didn't happen

Graham crackers never looked so good.

Let me tell you, they’re so good I can barely put my hands to the keyboard to type this out to you. I really. Like. This. Stuff.

Believe me, you would be all over this purportedly edible cardboard in second if your day all of a sudden turned into a scene straight out of War Of The Worlds.

It was a relatively warm November day in the farmy, dung-infested central Illinois city of Champaign. The clouds where a putrid dark grey with a bit of sh*t brown swirled into them. Yet, this was fine because I was on the Mass Transit System (that also happens to be Satan’s unlucky and ugly brainchild, but that’s another time and place).

But as I hop off that fat-inducing, time-saver the clouds opened up and started to downpour as if the angels where pissing on me. I then quickly slosh to a computer lab where I get sucked into cyberspace for an ungodly of five straight hours.

I left at 5 p.m. and the skies were dark, the streets were deserted and it was so quiet I heard my shoelaces tapping as I walked.

I went to the dinning halls to calm my food-hankered stomach, but the d*mn card-swiping blood sausage kept saying “UH OOHH!!!” like a perverted, kindergartener-molesting grade school teacher. All of which fed my rapidly budding passion for hardcore violence.

I was told I couldn’t eat any food because all my meals on my “plan” were gone and all my “café credits” were spent in a benevolent, $24-equivalent spending binge on Lays Sour Cream & Onion chips, Zibra Cakes and sugar-glossed Cinnamon Buns for a bunch of friends at the Late Night food cafeteria.

All of which would’ve never happened if I had any clue what day I was living in! Someone tell me the psychology of this…I have a big test coming up next week.

I then luckily catch the late bus back home (because there’s no way I’m dumb enough to pay an upwards of $10 for dorm sh*t after verbally being sh*tted on by that retarded pig of a machine), crammed into the wall next to four Portuguese-speaking, deodorant-deficient Brazilians who wanted to hug me the entire excruciating nine minutes.

Also riding on this bus from hell ride is my current roommate’s 23-year-old sophomore nocturnal former roommate – the Michael Jackson version of Dennis Rodman. He’s been rumored to have lived in one frat and two residence halls over the first two months of school after somehow managing to return from getting kicked out of the University last semester.

All the while this guy is pretending to be Kobe Bryant-in-overtime to these four whores whose favorite song is inevitably Kanye’s Gold Digger.

Now, I’m going to sit here with a two bowls of cereal, tons of graham cracker and half a bag of pretzels-induced hangover (I didn’t know it was possible either).

Tomorrow, all I ask for is a turkey sandwich…whenever that is.

Dirk birdwatches!

There’s this self-proclaimed fantasy guru out there who keeps talking to me (and it's not myself, athankyou).

“What pick in your draft did you have?” he asked right when I came back from Sunday’s event.

“You mean the draft you said you where ‘in too many leagues’ to be a part of?”

“Yeah, that’s the one.”

“Fourth frickin’ pick,” I mumble under my breath to the hoops pretender who, when it comes to basketball has the heart of a pissed-on boulder. “I picked my guy Andrei Kirilenko.”

I wish none of this on any of you. I warn you know, if you ever see, this unassuming know-it-all throw your hood over your and head and sprint to the nearest bus stop, and rid it around until you no longer have a clue where you are.

Because all of a sudden, his eyes cringed tight, his nose perked in the most unnatural position that Dennis Rodman would be amazed and his mouth opened so wide that two Campbell’s could easily fit down that flee infested tunnel.

“Ahhhhh, you should’ve taken Dirk!”

Alright, let’s look at it another way: at least the man has some opinions. He may think Bonzi Wells is the next best thing to sliced bread after this 18-board night and George W. Bush should’ve been reelected to his second term, but, hey, at least he’s bilingual.

It’s not like I’m being forced to talk to my metal desk lamp…Point being, this man gives the average basketball soul a lot to say. The preternaturally ignorant fool has given me reason of clear my lungs and calmly express the plan and simple fact why Dirk is NOT worth a fourth pick in the draft:

Nowitzki goes bird watching.

In reporting circles, it has often been a very-well kept secret but since those stupids over at FIBA.com chose to put it out the public today, I say, “To hell with journalistic collusion and brotherly love altogether!”

Stemming from a rough childhood of being fed too much schnitzel, being tossed from relative to relative and treated an unreasonable four times for George Muresan’s Gigantism disease, Dirk took to the calming game of bird watching…which is said to strongly correlate to the newly discovered secret cameras in Larry Bird’s bedroom.

“There’s no way I would take that homosexual, poor excuse for a defensive pawn with the fourth pick,” is my usual retort. Yet, still my weirdo, too-good-for-your-league fantasy basketball stalker still persists. I’m starting to get used to the crumpled nose, abyssal mouth and slitty eyes.

And now it’s almost a glitzy pleasure for me. Just wait ‘till T-Mac, Marion or LeBron come to town, boooooyyyy!

- R. Nelly

10 Questions

Question #3: How can you quantify a player’s interest in playing to his highest potential?

- R. Nelly

For those of you who, like me, want some more intellectual stimulation during the dog days of the winter, here’s some thoughts to ponder. Let’s hear your thoughts to whichever question piques your interest:

1. Who is more valuable to a team: the Defensive Player of the Year or the NBA’s leading scorer?

2. Is the most valuable fantasy rookie always the Rookie of the Year?

3. How can you quantify a player’s interest in playing to his highest potential?

4. How much does a player’s appearance (race, name, looks, loquaciousness) affect his image to the public eye and how does this affect his playing time and efficiency, if at all?

5. What is a greater disruption of the natural order of a game: the technical foul or the flagrant foul?

6. Which line could the League do without: the Three-Point Line or the half-circle 4' from the center of the basket (whatever it’s called)?

7. What is most important part of the season: the draft or the transactions (trades, waiver wire, etc.), in both the fantasy game and the NBA?

8. To what extent does an NBA GM-change affect the fantasy General Manager?

9. What coaching strategies lead to the best fantasy output?

10. Does individual fantasy output and real-life wins and loses have any correlation?